Pirates Problem
by SlyWolf
Summary: Link and Tetra have a falling out, and the pirates take it upon themselves to bring them back together. As always in my fics, many painful things happen to all concerned. Read and Review!
1. Pirate's Problem

Nintendo owns everything connected to The Wind Waker. The characters, scenario, etc. Come on, people! You know how this is meant to go! One of these days, I would appreciate it if someone could tell me why we have to put disclaimers on every chapter. 

Note: Link is 17, Tetra is 17, Alfonz is 17, Rose is 17.

**__**

The pirates problem

Tetra stared out to sea. There was nothing to do. No ships to steal from, no monsters to hunt, nothing. She hated winter. It was so boring. "Gonzo, any suggestions?"

"Well, miss, we could put in for the season. No point in pirating. I think we must be the only ship out." Gonzo shivered. It was freezing out. But, if the miss wanted them out here, out here is where they would stay. He blinked. He hoped he was imagining the icicle forming on his nose.

"Hmm. Where is the nearest port?"

"SnowPort. It's 30 miles south."

"Isn't Escaflowne only 15 miles north?"

"Yes, but it would take longer. Ice and all that. To the south the sea is relatively clear." He sighed. "Sadly, the wind is to the east. And that's dangerous territory, that is."

"Well, wind is not a problem. Where is the crew?"

"Niko is having some kind of argument with Senza about the cannon. Apparently, the firing mechanism is frozen solid. Zuko is in the crow's nest, as always. Though this time, he has a fire with him. Nudge is warming himself in front of the stove. Mako is reading in the hold, very close to the torches."

"And Link?" She looked around. He had a habit of disappearing. No. His dragon boat was still here. 

"I think he curled up in your bed and went to sleep."

"You think?"

"Well, there is a big lump under your blankets. Whoever it is also dragged out the spare duvet. And his sword is at the foot of the bed. I meant, I think he's asleep. He could have died of suffocation. Or cold. I don't know." Tetra stared at Gonzo, looking for the joke. 

"Why are you people so cold? It's not cold! It's brisk. That's all!"  


"Yes, miss. But, some of us big strong sailor men aren't as tough as you."

"I see. I'll go wake up Link. He'll provide us with a wind. You go warm up"

When she reached her room, the first thing she noticed was the sound of gentle breathing that seemed to be coming from a mound of blankets. The next thing she noticed was that her closet had been opened and someone had removed all the sweaters and coats. She sighed. "Link." The mound didn't move. She moved closer. "Link!" No reaction. She moved to the side of the bed and ripped off the outer layer of blankets. "Link!" She removed the second layer. "Link, this is not funny." Finally she pulled the mass off the bed. Link was under that. He was wearing what looked like several layers of sweaters and coats. "Link! Wake up! Now!" His eyes remained closed. She sighed "If Link is sound asleep, I guess I can take off all my clothes." She opened one button. Link's eyes snapped open. "That got your attention, Link."

"What? Can't I get any sleep? I could have sworn I would get some peace and quiet in here." Link pulled himself up. Then he pulled off the pile of sweaters.

"Link, why were you sleeping in my room?" 

"Two reasons. Because your crew won't come in here, thus almost assuring me of some quiet. And because that is a nice, soft, warm, bed." He stood up and stretched. 

"Is it really that cold?" 

"Do you want me to be honest, or would you prefer a lie?"

"A lie."

"Then no! It's so warm, I could go around in my boxers and still be sweating!"

"As interesting a picture as that is, I would now like to hear the truth."

"Right. The truth is, the only reason I haven't taken King and struck out for a warmer clime is the ice and snow. And hail. And sleet."

"Any other reasons?"

"Hmm. Oh yes," He smiled wickedly. "Out there, I don't have a nice warm bed to steal. Or a nice warm Tetra to hug." She slapped him.

"Great. If _your _sanity is going, then the crews must be on its last legs." She thought for a few seconds. "Link, I want a southerly wind. We're heading back to SnowPort for the winter."

"Hmph. Why should I help?" He rubbed his cheek where she had slapped him. "Why do I even stick around? Every time something goes wrong, I get slapped. I've gotten sick of it. You need me more than I need you, and I expect a little respect." Tetra blinked. _He needs me more than I need him? How dare he!_

"If you feel that way, why don't you leave?" Tetra snarled. "You do hardly anything anyway. I coped just fine without you around. And I'll cope with out you. I wish you would leave." Link's face went through several emotions. From rage to sorrow to determination.

"You know what? I will. When we get to SnowPort, I will take King, and leave. Maybe I'll join another crew. Maybe not. But consider _our_ partnership over." He picked up his sword and left, running into Nudge.

"Whoah, Link? What's wrong? I was coming to check on you, buddy."

"Thanks for the thought, but I'm fine. In fact, I feel so good, I'm going to go freelance when we get back to SnowPort." He moved around the big pirate. Nudge stared at Tetra.

"Did you two have a quarrel? Is he serious?"

"Hmph. Whether he is or is not, I don't care. He's useless."

"Useless? He does more work than I do! Am I useless? Who do you think catches the fish you eat? Or got us that new sail? Or put together the stove? I think he and Zuko are the only people doing any real work right now. And where did you get that diamond necklace from?" Her hand went to the diamond. "Didn't he steal that for you?"

"No. He…"

"Yes?"

"He bought it for me. Cost him 7000 rupees."

"And you say he's useless? Sounds like you owe him an apology."

"Yes. I guess I do. But I won't!"

"Why not?"

"He was rude to me! He said that the main reason he didn't leave was that out there he didn't have a 'Nice Soft Tetra' to hug!" Nudge coughed. "Don't laugh! If you laugh, you can join him! _And _He said I need him more than he needs me."

"Fair enough… but don't you say similar things about him?"

"Yes… but I'm the captain! And I don't say them to his face! Doesn't matter, though. He wants nothing to do with me. And I want nothing to do with him."

"Hmm."

***

And indeed, for the rest of the voyage back to SnowPort, Link and Tetra avoided each other.

***

When they reached SnowPort, Link had King lowered over. Then he hopped into the dragon boat. "Hey! Tetra! Catch!" He threw his pendant to her. "Bye! Maybe we'll meet again someday!" His voice lowered so she couldn't hear. "Only not too soon."

"Goodbye, Link. May the winds of fate be behind you." She then muttered to Gonzo, "And may they blow him far away from me." Gonzo didn't answer. He couldn't believe that Tetra was letting go of such an important part of her. Link prepared to leave, but then an overseer ran up.

"I'm sorry, sir. But you can't leave."

"Why not?"

"The town weather wizard just told us that a huge storm is coming. Any way, you could only go 15 miles in any direction. A ring of ice has formed around the island, and it won't melt until spring."

"Gods, no!"

"Don't worry, though. We have a big festival every winter."

Link glared at the overseer. "Are you telling me, you horrid little man, that I have to spend winter here?"

"Yes sir."

"Great. In that case, I will go get a room at the inn, and spend the rest of winter 'chasing the Chu-Chu.' Why must the gods torment me!?" Link pulled himself back on to the dock. He turned and walked up the street. The overseer turned towards Tetra.

"Miss, you're ship is stuck too."

"I know, I know. How many inns does this place have?"

"Just the one…"

"Gonzo, what I am about to do may shock you. But I need to let off some steam." She turned and let out a profanity so loud and nasty that his eyebrows singed.

***

Link entered the Wallowing Whale and moved to the counter. The barman appraised the young man. "Can I help you, sir?"

Link placed his sword on the countertop. He smiled. "I would like a room. And the strongest drink you have."

"Right. That will be 50 rupees."

Link placed a purple on the table. "That should cover it." He looked around. There were only 4 other people in the bar. "Why is this place dead? You'd think the only inn in town would be full in winter."

"Nah. Most people stay on their ships. But don't worry, there's nothing wrong with the Wallowing Whale. Now, here you go. One Dark Chu-Chu, prepared to the Wallowing Whales special recipe."

A young man walked up. "Don't listen to Bartholomew. His special recipe for Dark Chu-Chu is taking a Blue Chu-Chu and dropping purple dye in." Link glared at the Barman. 

"He's… lying! My drinks are pure! Please believe me, good master!" Link took a cautious sip of the drink. It did indeed have the customary acrid taste of Dark Chu-Chu. But there was more…

"Ferment. You actually added ferment to a Dark Chu-Chu? Did I ask for wine?"

"You did ask for the strongest drink I had, good master."

The other man was still standing there. His eyes went to the sword and twinkled. He turned to Link. "May the Winds of Battle carry you to peace."

Link turned and met the young man's eyes. "I treasure the hope. But until then, may the Goddess of Courage shine on us."

The man stuck his hand out. "Very good! The name's Alfonz."

Link took the hand and shook it. "Mine's Link." He turned towards the luckless Bartholomew. "Your finest wine for my friend here." 

Alfonz sat down. "So, what brings another warrior to these dull shores?"

"The winds of fate turned against me. What about you?"

"Ha. Visiting family for a week. Then when time came to leave, they imposed a curfew." 

"Ah well. At least we won't get bored. If the festivals a dud, we could get drunk and try to stab each other." Alfonz grinned at that statement, and bought his sword over, placing it next to Links. Link rose to the challenge, placing his boomerang on top of his sword. Alfonz placed his own boomerang on top of his sword. The contest was on.

"Very good. But… can you match this?" Link placed his grappling hook on his pile. Alfonz placed a set of magnetic gloves on to his. "Grr. Your turn."

"Right. Can you beat… this?" He placed a crossbow on his pile. Link smirked and placed his longbow and magic arrows onto his pile. "You win that round."

Soon they both had massive piles of equipment in front of them. When the pirates entered, they were cheerfully arguing about which had greater strength, Link's Skull Hammer, or Alfonz's Flail. Tetra walked past them and said to Bartholomew, "I would like a room for myself, and a large room for my crew." Link and Alfonz both pulled small booklets out of their pockets.

"Says here…" Alfonz started.

"That in the case of a tie" Link continued.

"The warriors must go through the"

"Trial by woman." Alfonz pulled a pictograph out of his pocket. He showed it to Link. Link looked at it. "She is nice. But, I"

"Don't think about it Link. It's over between us." Tetra walked past him and up the stairs. Alfonz turned to Link.

"I guess I…"

"Yes, yes. You win. On a technicality. My hammer is much stronger than your flail."

"Hah! Can your hammer flay the skin from your enemies?"

"Of course not! Can your flail flatten hordes of Miniblins?"

"Fine. But I still win."

"Not quite…" Link pulled his Deluxe Picto Box out and snapped a picture of Alfonz. It came out in full color, and was waved in front of him. "I think we tie."

"Only because I haven't upgraded yet!"

"Yeah, yeah."

"So… who was that girl?"

Link sighed. "No one important."

"Right. Well, I'm running the sword contest tomorrow at the festival. So I have to get ready." Alfonz sighed.

"Need any help?" 

"Could you? I would sell my soul for some help."

"Hah. If the next round is on you, I'd help you wipe out an entire army."

*** 

After Link retired (To a room as far away from Tetra as was possible), the pirates gathered in the common room. Nudge started. "My fellow pirates, we have a wonderful chance here. A chance to bring Tetra and Link back together."

Senza asked, "Why would we want to? If they figure out what we're trying to do, we would succeed in uniting them. Albeit, to try to kill us."

"They need each other. Tetra needs Link around to tease. Link needs Tetra around to keep him on the ground, and to ensure he feels useful. And they both need each other in order to do the best part of fighting. Kissing and making up." Nudge smiled. He knew how to get the other pirates to agree. "Without Link around, Tetra will fall into a depression. Tetra needs Link in order to, well, in order to be Tetra. Besides, without Link, Tetra will have more free time to come up with absurd orders for us."

"When you put it like that…" Niko shuddered.

"Hmm. Good point. But how will we manage this task?" Mako asked. The pirates think. Gonzo leaps up.

"I've got it! What we do is, we write a letter to Tetra, and a letter to Link! And in Tetra's letter, we claim to be Link, and we apologize for him. And in Link's letter we" The other pirates slap their hands to their foreheads. Mako finishes for Gonzo.

"Claim to be Tetra and apologize for her. Great plan."

"Thanks, Mako."

"Except for one problem."

"What?"

"IT NEVER WORKS! Gonzo, that's always the first plan anyone tries. And it _never_ works. At best, we get them to meet, they think the other is having a joke at their expense, and try to rip each others heads off. At worst, we get them to meet, they figure it out, and try to rip _our_ heads off." The other pirates all shake their heads.

"Well, Mako? Do you have a better idea?"

"Yes, Gonzo. I do. You all heard Link talking to that other warrior, and agreeing to help some sword thing?" The pirates nod. "Good. Here's the plan…" They all huddle.

Hmm. Pirates trying to be tricky. Almost sad. Next chapter, Mako's plan! I will reveal no details except this. It involves a badger… No! I'm serious! It does!


	2. Mako's Solution

I OWN NOTHING!!!

Link: Multiple exclamation marks. The sure sign of a diseased mind.

Piss off, you Robin Hood wannabe.

Link: Temper, temper. I'm just here to see what type of person has joined the fraternity of Zelda writers. 

Shoo. I have a story to write. We can talk later.

Link: Fine. I have work to do anyway. What with being the star and all.

Sadly, Link, you're no more than a side role in this. The main characters are the pirates.

Link: 0_o But… I'm always the star! I'm Link!

Nonetheless. 

Link: I'll sic my lawyers on you!

Link all of a sudden changed his mind, and gave Slywolf a chocolate.

Link: Have a chocolate, my best friend…. Damn you! I hate control freaks!

Link felt a sudden urge to jump out a window. 

Link: Augh!

Now that he's gone, I can get started on the next chapter.

**__**

Mako's solution

Mako stood on a roof. It was all proceeding to plan. The badger would attack Tetra. Link would save Tetra, and they would be back together. He signaled to Niko. Niko nodded, and began undoing the cage that held the attack badger. Gonzo was leading Tetra to the proper place. "Senza, Zuko, when I give the signal, you are to run to Link and tell him that an attack badger is annoying Tetra."

"Right. Let's hope that Nudge has everything in position in case it goes wrong."

Meanwhile, down below, Gonzo was, as I said, leading Tetra to her designated place. Though, she didn't know it at the time. "Miss, I think you should see this. It's really important."

"Yes, yes. In my own time." She returned to the cutlass she had been examining. "How much do you think it is?"

Gonzo looked at the cutlass. "No more than a few hundred rupees. Very low quality."

She dropped it back into the pile. "I wonder what Link is doing right now. He's probably got himself another girl."

"Oh, surely not, Miss. But we really should hurry to see this." He dragged Tetra along until they reached the Swordsman booth. Link and Alfonz were arguing with a customer. When he saw Link, Gonzo tried to drag Tetra away, but she ran over to the booth. 

"Look, sir. It's quite simple. You challenged us. You lost. You have to give us money. That's how it works." Link spotted Tetra and turned away. Alfonz, meanwhile, knocked the man out and hookshoted his purse up. "That settles that."

Tetra walked up. "Hello Link. How much money is on offer if I can beat you?"

Link blinked. "Um… 800 rupees, Tetra." Tetra shook her head and said,

"That's what I hate about you, Link. You have no appreciation for your own value." 

Link blinked, surprised. "You mean I'm worth more than 800 rupees?" Hope was visibly rising in his face. Gonzo looked pleased. _Maybe this nonsense will be over soon._

"Actually, I meant you were worth around 50 rupees." Link's face soured, and his hand went to his sword. It would have been the end of Tetra right there if Alfonz hadn't grabbed his sword away. Gonzo choked. _What did I do to deserve this? I'm just a pirate! I'm not a bad man! Still, if Link is polite, the situation might be salvaged._

Link had gotten some sense of decency back. "So, you're saying I'm still worth more than you?" Gonzo almost started to cry.

Meanwhile, Niko was having a bit of difficulty. The badger had escaped, and was now dragging him through town. He finally managed to stop it when he spotted Tetra. He leaned over and whispered into its ear, "That's her. Go! Bite her!" The badger paused as if considering it. Then it turned around and latched its jaws on Niko's ear. "Augh! Her! Not me! _Her_! Ouchies!" Gonzo, Tetra and Link looked up to see Niko running towards them, badger waving around behind him.

"Tetra, I think you might want to save your swabbie from being eaten." Link said, smirking.

"Gonzo, deal with it." Tetra's eyes never left Link's. 

"Yes, miss." He walked to Niko. "What did you do?" Behind him a loud argument broke out. Gonzo sighed and ripped the badger off. He put it down and kicked it in the rear. "Go! Shoo!" The badger bit his… bottom and latched on. Gonzo shrieked. 

Zuko ran up to Link, who was telling Tetra in no uncertain terms exactly how he felt about her. He was about to interfere when Alfonz pulled him aside, saying "No, just watch. Popcorn?" He offered the bag to Zuko. Zuko thought for a few seconds, and then sat down beside him. Tetra interrupted Link with a solid slap and stormed off. Link glared after her and walked in the opposite direction. 

"A little help here?" Senza had arrived and was trying to aid Gonzo and Niko, but with little success. Zuko and Alfonz ran over.

***

"Oh, _great_ plan, Mako. We sure got them back together, didn't we? Now they both want to kill each other. And, we still don't know when Niko will be out of the hospice." Nudge held Mako up by his collar and idly threw him into a wall. "Now, who has a different plan?"

Gonzo raised his hand. Nudge ignored him. "Anyone? Anyone at all?" Gonzo jumped up and down, waving his hand around excitedly. "Fine. Gonzo," Gonzo stood to attention, "write this down."

"It's not fair, I'm the superior officer, I want to try my plan." Gonzo muttered.

"Gonzo, we'll save your plan for when a certain pink farmyard animal that goes 'oink' flies. Now, here's mine. Gonzo, please write down this list of components. We need a set of tools, 50 planks of wood, a waiter, and a good cook."

They just never learn, do they? Almost pitiable. Link, are you okay?

Link: Um, I think I'm alright. I just need a bandaid! Do you have one?

That's nice.

Link: I also think my leg is broken. I'll try to stand up. Ow! Yes, my leg is broken, but I think it'll be okay with a bandage!

Keep up the good work.

Link: Hello? I am in extraordinary pain!

I just realized I became an author to torture characters. 

Link: What do you mean? And where did this badger come from? Ow! Bad doggy!

Ah-choo! Oh, I think I'm coming down with a cold. I better go and get some chicken soup.

Link: Ouch! Slywof, help!


	3. Nudge's solution

I, Slywolf, author extraordinare, own none of these characters. Save for Alfonz and Rose, both of whom we will be seeing next chapter. And don't worry, Link is perfectly okay.

**__**

Nudge's Solution

Nudge snickered. It was all falling into place. The floating restaurant had been built. When Link and Tetra got on, Zuko and Mako, cunningly disguised as waiters would bring their food to them. Then, the pirates would all leave; Gonzo would cut the mooring rope, and send Link and Tetra floating away. They would have to work together to get back, and that, in turn, will make them realize they truly loved each other. The perfect plan. Nothing could go wrong this time. Slipping into his chef uniform, he and the other pirates carefully entered into the kitchen, which had been, for simplicity's sake, been placed on the boat itself.

Link boarded the boat. While he had been doubtful at first, Alfonz was right. He needed to go somewhere quiet to relax. He pressed the bell. There was a loud argument, and then a little man wearing an ill-fitting suit walked out. "What you want?"

Link stared. "Zuko? Why on earth are you wearing a tuxedo?"

"They made m… I no Zuko! Who Zuko? I… um… Arnold! Yes. My name Arnold, and I be waiter tonight for you. Come way this." 'Arnold' led Link into the dining gallery. "You here early. Get good seat." 

Link sat down, a trifle scared. 'Arnold' handed him the menu, and then walked off. Link scanned it. "Hmm. Let me think. Do I want Merman style steak, or Pirates patty?" 

Tetra boarded the ship. She needed a rest. Somewhere quiet. Without any pirates or old boyfriends to disturb her. She rang the bell. Another little man ran out, also wearing a tuxedo.

"Mako, why the hell are you wearing a tuxedo? And more importantly, what the hell are you doing working in a seedy restaurant? Am I really paying you guys too little?"

"I'm not this Mako person, Madame. My name is Cornelius. Who ever this Mako person is, he must be devilishly handsome for you to get him confused with me. Now, you're in luck, ma'am. You're here a tad late for breakfast, so you can have an excellent seat '" 'Cornelius' led Tetra into the room where 'Arnold' had led Link. When Link and Tetra saw each other, Link scowled, but quickly replaced it with a smile. 'Cornelius' sat Tetra far away from Link. "Now, here's your menu, ma'am. I'll be right back." The bell rang. Cornelius ran outside.

Mr. Wilbert had had a trying night, and yesterday his purse had been stolen by a man with a metal chain. He desperately needed a drink. So when he had gotten to this quaint looking pub, he quickly entered and rung the bell. He was completely surprised when he was bodily lifted up by a big man wearing a bandana, tossed through the door, and then shouted at. He picked himself up. "So they're having a private function. That's no excuse for rudeness." He stormed off.

"So, Link… you're looking well." Tetra tried to make polite conversation.

"Thanks, Tetra. You look healthy." Link said disinterestedly.

"So, what do you recommend?"

"Hmm? Oh, I don't know. I got here early for breakfast."

"What? But I was told I was here late!"

That got Link's full attention. His sword appeared as if by magic in his hand. Behind the door, Nudge slapped the two 'waiters'. "You dunderheads!" He hissed. "You got your stories mixed up!"

"Always with the sword, isn't it Link. You obviously never think of actually using your head." Tetra said disparagingly.

"Oh, I would say breaking up with you was proof that I'm capable of immense genius." Not finding anything, Link sat back down. 'Albert' ran outside to take their orders. Link, after much consideration, ordered the Continental breakfast, and Tetra ordered the stewed kargaroc. They waited in absolute, angry, silence. When their food was brought to them, Link was the first to speak. "This is awful! It's so foul it's not funny! What is your chef on? Who in their right minds pours orange juice over a continental breakfast?" 'Albert' suffered a nervous breakdown. 

"Honestly, Link. They're doing their best!" Tetra ate a bite of her Kargaroc, and spat it out, followed by words that made Link blanch. 'Albert' ran back inside, crying.

5 minutes later, an angry Senza, dressed as Chef Boyardee, stormed out. "So you don't like my cooking? Out! Out!" He picked them both up and tossed them both outside. Furious, he returned to his kitchen and started to rant. Shaking his head, Nudge leaned outside and shouted to Gonzo,

"Don't cut the rope!" Due to the distance, though Gonzo heard it as 'Do Cut The Rope!', which he did immediately. He only noticed his mistake when he saw Nudge shouting at him from the rapidly vanishing boat.

"Oops" Behind him, Link and Tetra had a massive argument over whose fault it was. Tetra again slapped Link, and they both walked off in opposite directions. "Double oops."

***

There was silence in the common room that night, silence broken only by pirates sneezing and blowing their noses into tissues, and Senza's sketching. Finally, Senza leaped up and shouted "Eureka! I've got it! Here's what we need…"

Poor, poor pirates. And poor, poor, poor Mr. Wilbert. Why? You'll see.


	4. Senza's solution

Yes, this chapter was very, very late. Why? I had been lacking in inspiration for this story. I'm willing to take ideas from people, as always.

**Senza's**** Solution**

Nudge looked through his mask out on the scene below. He turned to Senza. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" He asked.

"Positive."

*** 

Link looked up at a loud knock on his door. "Enter," he responded, curtly. "Unless you're Tetra, in which case prepare to be thrown out a window." He shook his head as Senza ran into the room. "Whatever it is, no."

"But… but… it's Ganondorf!" Senza said, breathlessly. Link stared, and then broke out laughing. "No, really! He's just on the harbour!" 

"Sure he is, Senza… I'll go see if the big bad Ganondorfy is real." He patted the older man's head condescendingly. "You just wait up here, and I'll go deal with it… here, have some of my chocolate."

Senza watched him leave, insulted. Then he saw the chocolate. "Mmmm… chocolate…"

***

The first thing Link noticed when he arrived at the main square was Tetra standing there with a cutlass. The second thing he noticed was that Ganondorf had gained weight. "Ahoy, Ganon!" The young man shouted, happily. "I see that being turned into a frozen statue at the bottom of the sea hasn't made you any skinnier!"

Nudge growled in a passable Ganondorf imitation, "Aren't you going to kill me?"

Link thought for a second. "Hmmm… as in, work together with Tetra to severely injure you? Because you have a nasty habit of not staying dead."

Nudge nodded. "Well, whatever… now, I'm going to kidnap your girl-friend!" He grabbed Tetra, and put her in a fireman's carry. 

Link nodded. "You keep doing that, Ganondorf." He sat back, and seemed to watch with a grand show of interest. "I'm most interested in how you'll do that."

Tetra looked up, and glared at Link. "Oh, I suppose you're just going to leave me like this?"

Link thought. Then he nodded again. "Yep. I'm not sexist. I think that girls have just as much right to beat villains up as men do. Though don't tell Alfonz that. He's fairly old school." He stretched, and put his sword down.

Tetra mumbled something about 'lazy pigs'. Then she moved around, and bit 'Ganondorf's' hand. Nudge screamed, and dropped her. Tetra then kicked him in between the legs, and walked over to Link. She drew her cutlass, and slammed its hilt over his head. Then she walked off, angrily. 

Link watched her go. Then he turned to Nudge. "Some women… how about I stab you with my sword, just for old times sake?"

Nudge looked up, panicking. "Oh, I don't think so… really, I need to go. Nice seeing… oh, shoot…" He saw Link draw his sword. "No, no… it's me! Nudge! Look, this is a mask… it comes…" he tried to pull the mask off. It stuck. He had been sweating too much. "Oh, dear… not the face…"

***

Link looked into the hospital room. "What was Nudge doing in the Ganondorf costume, anyway?" He asked Gonzo. "Was he drinking  from the red paint I keep near King again?"

Gonzo nodded, and then hurried Link out. After the hero had left, he turned to the doctor. "Um… how is he?"

"It's touch and go… I didn't even know a broadsword could fit in that hole… I'd like to keep him for a few tests, if I may."

***

"Nice job, Senza. From now on, we do as I say." Mako said, angrily.


	5. Niko's Solution

_Perhaps very soon was a bit of a lie. Aheh._

Mako squeaked when the larger pirates picked him up and flung him out the window. Senza leaned back against the wall and sighed. "…Niko, do you have any ideas?"

"As a matter of fact, I do!" Niko wheeled into the centre of the room, and pulled down a screen. He picked up a white cat, and started to stroke it thoughtfully. "Perhaps we have been going about this the wrong way." The swabbie held his pinkie up to his face. "I have devised a cunning scheme that can not help but succeed! Mwa ha ha haha!"

"That's all well and good, but why are you in a wheelchair? And where'd that screen come from? And where the blazes did you get that _cat_!"

"Silence! Now listen very, very closely…"

* * *

Mr Wilbert took a couple of steps down the road, shivering a little. He had finally finished his day at work, and was looking forward to a calm, relaxing night. Unfortunately, he had agreed, for his boss, to dress up as the 'Ancient Hero' and go to a children's birthday party. Thus, he was leapt upon by an army of savage pirates and beaten to a bloody pulp. "We got him! We got him!"

"No, no we didn't. Link isn't quite as ugly and wrinkly."

Mister Wilbert blinked. "Ugly!"

"Well, that's…wait, here comes Link! Lose the goon!" There was a splash and spluttered screams.

The young hero walked along the darkened street. He sighed and kicked a can out of the way. "…you know, maybe I should go and apologise to Tetra. I've been a bit rough on her, and…"

Then he was set upon by the pirates, slammed hard against the wall until he lost consciousness, and dragged off.

* * *

"Miss Tetra, come quickly!" Mako burst into Tetra's room. "Link's been… oh my god! AUGH!" He covered his eyes. "The goggles, they do nothing!"

Tetra looked over from where she was undergoing a mud bath, complete with green facemask and ugly pink curlers. "…Mako, what is it?"

"L-Link's been kidnapped by insane cultists! And they're about to hack his head off!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!" Tetra bolted up.

"L-Link's been kidnapped by insane…" Mako's face was filled with mud.

"I heard you, you idiot. Get out of here so I can get dressed and see what this is all about."

* * *

Link opened his eyes. "Nnngh…my head…" Then he screamed. "Oh my god! Everything's gone dark! I've gone blind!" He placed his hands to his head and felt a canvas sack. "…wait, no, I've just had my head covered in a canvas sack. Presumably as a prelude to it being hacked off. Is that correct?"

A strangely familiar voice answered him. "Yes, that's right, Link. We're going to chop your head off, and there's nothing you can do about it! Nothing! MWA HA HA HA HA! Come, furball, let us leave our friend to his fate."

"…you know, I'm sure this is all a misunderstanding. If you let me free, I'll show you mercy!" Link tried to grab his sword. "…where's my sword? Aw, come on, you took my sword!"

"Err…yes. Is that a problem?"

"Look,_ everyone_ knows that you're meant to leave the hero with his sword so he can break free and have a climactic fight scene. It's fairly standard, I'm afraid."

"Oh. Well, look, this is my first time on the job. I'll remember for next time, all right?"

"And are you _seriously_ just going to hack my head off? Come on, you should have some sort of diabolic plan or big giant death machine!"

"Well, look, this was all a bit impromptu. We understand that you feel slighted, but rest assured, in our hearts of hearts you _are_ being chopped up in a giant perverted cross between a mincing machine and beamoses."

"…I suppose that makes me feel a bit better."

"Don't worry, it will all be over soon. Okay? Thank you for the advice. Nud…I mean, BORIS! OPEN THE HATCH!"

"Right you are, swabbie!"

"Don't call me swabbie! Call me Mister N! And not that hatch!"

Then there was a new voice, a voice that fell like a gentle waterfall onto Link's willing ears. "Hey! What's going on in here?"

"Look, miss, we're a tad…"

"You put that man down, you horrid, horrid people!" There was a loud crash, and then Link found the hood being torn off and…he was looking up into the eyes of a goddess. She had liquid blue eyes, eyes that made him simply want to melt into them and stay there forever, beautiful blonde hair, and gently tanned skin. "…are you all right?" She asked him, smiling as she put her hammer away.

"I'm much better now." Link said, deciding the best way to put on a show of strength was to snap his bonds. Which he did, after a couple of minutes. Once he had his breath, and his sword, back, he smiled at the newcomer. "I'm Link, Hero of the South Seas and Official Windwaker. What's your name?"

"I'm Rose. Just…Rose." They both leaned forward, so their lips met and they kissed.

Tetra kicked the door down. "All right, you cultists! Get away from my boy…friend." The pirate stared down at the kissing couple, and blinked once or twice. "…L-Link?" She whispered, unwilling to believe her eyes.

Link looked up at her, and glared. "You took your sweet time. If you excuse me, me and my rescuer are going to dinner, Tetra. Don't wait up." They both walked up the stairs and past the stunned Tetra.

"But…but I…I was coming, I just…I mean…FINE! Who need you anyway, Link! I never liked you! NEVER! I HATE YOU!" Tetra turned on her heel and strode down the street, right into a hurrying Alfonz.

"Hey, Tetra, did you see an army of cultists? They kidnapped Link and I was…"

"He's already been rescued." Tetra sniffed, pointing down the street.

Alfonz narrowed his eyes. "Hey, that posterior looks very…wait, ROSE! THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND! HE'S KISSING MY…" The other hero slowly slumped down to the ground. "Ah heh…"

Tetra stopped. "Well. It looks like we're both free tonight, Alfonz. Why don't we…get together and commiserate?" Then she grabbed him by the ear and pulled him off.

Link stared as Tetra pulled off Alfonz. "…she's going with _him? Why!"_

Rose blinked once or twice when Link grabbed her arm and tugged her, semi-gently, away.

The pirates extricated themselves from the rubble. "Okay, that went poorly." Senza grumped. "At least this time, no one was seriously injured."

Then the roof caved in.


	6. Zuko's Solution

_No pirates were harmed in the making of this production. Except when it was really amusing for them to be injured._

Zuko had been quiet.

Apart from occasional grunts, he had said nothing all day. He was just sitting there, drawing something up. Finally he grunted. "Finished. Idea. Good." Then he passed it to Mako.

The bespectacled pirate frowned as he scanned it. "I see no reason why this would fail, but where are we going to find this many porcupines on short notice?"

"Not porcupine. Giant spike traps." Zuko slapped his hands together.

"Oh…" Mako frowned. "All right, it could work. Gonzo?"

"I'm not helping." The large pirate muttered from his corner.

"Oh, come on, Gonzo! Look, I understand that you don't like how we keep rejecting your idea, but the problem is it's such a _stupid_ idea!" Mako realized that was not a good thing to say. Shortly before he found himself shoved into a wall. His voice muffled, he mumbled, "…the rest of you, please set up Zuko's idea…"

* * *

It was a masterpiece of pirate industry and technology. Spanning nearly 30 levels of death-causing deathyness, it had been assembled over the course of just one night. Zuko took a step back and looked at the finishing touches. "Is good. Will not fail!" The dungeon had been designed such that only Link and Tetra, working together, would be able to reach the bottom safely and find the 'treasure'. Which, in reality, would be the knowledge that they needed and loved each other.

Every pirate (except Gonzo) had played a part in building this. And now all of them, except Gonzo, were at the bottom, putting down their tools. Mako looked at the plans. "It is beautiful, is it not?"

Senza nodded. "It is, Mako. Now, how do _we_ get out of here?"

Mako checked. "Oh, that's simple. We simply walk up the path and go outside again."

"Up the path."

"Yes."

"The path designed to force Link and Tetra to work together."

"That's the one."

"The path that we filled with every monster, device, and pain-causing monstrosity we could _find_."

"Ye…oh."

"How do we get out of here, Mako?"

"Now, calm down. I'm sure Link and Tetra will be along any minute once we activate this." Mako swallowed. "I hope." Then he pressed the button that would turn the whole thing on.

* * *

Tetra sighed and smiled again at one of Alfonz's joke. She kept darting glances at Link, who seemed to be enjoying himself immensely with Rose. _Look at him, making her smile at his jokes, kissing her, feeling her up…_ As she thought that, she took Alfonz's hand and placed it on her thigh, then kissed him on the lips. _I hate him!_

Link glowered over at Tetra from the corner of his eye. _Look at her! Laughing at his jokes, letting him kiss her, letting him feel her up! _He pulled Rose onto his lap, watching her giggle, and smiled a little. _I hate her!_

Mister Wilbert walked nervously into the bar. Everywhere he went, he was seeing those pirates. Those horrible, horrible pirates. Once he was certain that they weren't around, he nervously sat on a chair. Only for it to collapse underneath him, as a massive and dangerous tunnel opened up below.

Dark laughter echoed out from inside. Link and Alfonz both rose to their feet. "Stay here!" They said to the girls, in unison. Then, together, they both flicked the ends of their pointy hats back and ran forward.

Tetra waited until the last moment, then stuck her foot out and tripped Link over. He toppled against the wall. "The last thing a _professional_ like Alfonz needs is your 'help', Link." Tetra spat, sweeping to her feet and turning around to walk off.

Link rose to his feet. He had _finally_ had enough. "That is _it, _Tetra!" He ripped her amulet from his neck and threw it to the ground in front of her. "That's it, you miserable little…moblin!"

Rose squeaked at the thought that Alfonz had gone down into the spooky cave on his own, and jumped down. Tetra didn't notice that either of them had left, and instead simply glowered into Link's eyes. "You know, Ganondorf asked me to marry him! And looking at you, I wish I had! You…you…you darknut!" She backhanded him.

Link slapped her across the face. "You know what? I wish I had never rescued you! I should have let that bird eat you!"

Tetra rubbed her face where she had touched him, and then her eyes began to burn. "Oh yeah? I wish I had never gone to your stupid island, you horrible…I don't know what you are, that's how horrible you are!"

"So do I!"

"Good!"

"Good!"

"That's settled then."

"It is!"

"Goodbye, then."

"Goodbye!" They both glowered at one another, then turned on their heels and walked in opposite directions. Tetra paused and looked over her shoulder, her expression softening a little. "Link…"

He didn't turn around at all. "Get lost. It's over between us."

Her eyes sharpened up again, and then she hurled her ring at the back of his head. "Fine! I hate you anyway! Keep the stupid ring, I never want to see you again!" She ran off crying.

Link picked the ring up and rolled it between his fingers, then slid it into his pocket. _I'll find someone **else** to give this to. _Then he leaned forward and covered his eyes for a moment. "Bartender, get me a glass of boka venom…"

* * *

_Two hours later…_

* * *

"Hello, my name is Nudge…and I'm a kleptomaniac." He stood up in front of the other pirates and tapped his hands together.

"Hi Nudge!" The others chorused.

"It started when I was little. Sometimes I would take toys that belonged to the other kids and not give them back. Then I moved on…" He sniffled. "Then I moved onto larceny, fraud… and suddenly I found myself a pirate. I keep telling myself I can give it up, that after the next job it's all over. But…"

"Um…are we interrupting anything?" Alfonz poked his head in. Rose was resting against his arm and seemed very happy to be there.

Nudge shook his head. "No, not at…oh, you're not Link. Or Tetra."

"Nah, last we saw them they had just stormed off." Alfonz laughed a little nervously. "Really angry woman."

Zuko grumbled. "Plan fail? Why plan fail! Plan not fail like!"

Mako patted him on the back. "It's okay. Hey, now that the traps are tripped, at least we can get upstairs!" All the pirates quickly crowded through the door.

Alfonz laughed a little. "Um…yeah. About that. You see, I'm really just a big fraud." He rubbed the back of his head. "I teleported down here, so…" There were a lot of loud screams, the sound of a lot of darts being jabbed into soft flesh, then more screams, a rolling sound, and then a squeak. "The traps weren't really… ah ha, I see you've…um…found out."

"Mmmph!" Mako shouted at Zuko from behind his bandages. "Mmmph, mmmph mmmph."

"That wasn't very nice of you, Mako." Senza said from where he sat in his full-body cast. "At least we know that the traps worked, eh? Am I right?"

"Mmmph mmmph, mmmph mmmph mmmphmmph mmmph."

Nudge sighed. "No more Link and Tetra. All done." He tried to wipe a tear away from his face, but couldn't move his bandaged torso.

* * *

**(Not) **The End

_Just a couple of chapters to go, my friends. But I'm not saying what's going to happen. Also, there might be a couple of surprises after the 'end'. You interested? Of course you are! Remember, feed your authors by reviewing for them!_

**Completely Artificial Spoilers**

_Next on Pirate's Problem…_

"Gonzo, I have to tell you something." Tetra said, from where she was standing at the window. "I'm carrying Nudge's baby."

…

Niko spun around in his chair and raised his pinky to his face. "You heard me, President Alfonz. I hold the triforce. And unless I am paid 10,000,000 rupees by this time tomorrow, I shall _use_ it."

…

"Esteemed members of the house," Senza stood on the podium. "Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger." He clenched his fists and slammed one down on the wooden surface. "But with the unbounded determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph."

"So help us Goddesses. And Goddesses bless Hyrule."

…

Link rose a hand to the adoring masses, saluting them all. He was dressed in his normal outfit, though this time he was wearing khaki. "Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new piglet for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Ganondorf!" He drew his sword and pointed it to the heavens.

…

Senza's lifeblood ran from his side. With a short gasp for breath, he reached up to the man who had slain him. "There is one thing I must tell you, Link… your father lives…"

Link stared down at Senza, and then at the other bodies around him. "…Senza? …Niko? Nudge? Oh no…what have I done…" He dropped his sword. "What have I done?"


	7. Gonzo's Solution

**Gonzo's Solution**

The pirates' room was empty, except for Gonzo. He sat in quiet thought in the corner for a few minutes. Then he stood up and got two pieces of paper and a pencil.

* * *

Tetra walked into her bedroom and collapsed down on the bed. Then she buried her face in the pillow and started to cry. _It wasn't supposed to be this way! _She screamed inside, her body shaking violently. _And now I've lost him and I don't know what to do..._ _Nothing I try makes it better. And every time I talk to him I just make things worse because I can't help myself!_ She took a deep breath, trying to calm down. _Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this **is** how it's supposed to be. Maybe we weren't meant to be together._

She looked up at the knock on her door and rubbed her eyes clean. Tetra walked over and opened it. No one was there, though an envelope had been stuck to the wall opposite. With a confused expression, she snatched it up and ripped it open.

* * *

Link sighed as he waited against the bridge, looking down at the letter in his hands. He had dressed up as nicely as he could, and was in a nice white tunic. He turned the piece of paper over and over in his hands. Occasionally a tear trickled down his face, though he effected not to notice.

"Hey." Tetra walked next to him and rested against the rail too. She was in a beautiful pink dress and had done her hair nicely. "…you got a letter too?" She asked him, gently.

Link turned to look at her, and nodded a little. His eyes caught a tear trickling down her face, and he reached up without thinking to brush it away. Tetra didn't push him away, instead pressing slightly against his hand and making a soft cooing sound. "I've been an idiot, Tetra." He whispered to her, turning her to completely face him.

"We both have been." Tetra murmured, looking into his eyes. "…you hurt me, Link."

"You hurt me, too." Link kept looking down.

Tetra looked down for a moment, and then looked to the side. "…but maybe if we're both sorry, it could work out." She touched his face. "Link, I can't change who I am." She whispered. "But I never wanted to upset you."

"…I can't change who I am either, Tetra." Link responded, taking both of her hands and smiling a little weakly. "But I swear on my sword that I never wanted to hurt you." The young man leaned forward and rested his head on hers. "Can you ever take me back?"

She pulled her hands back for a moment, and placed them together. "You know you have a place on my ship whenever you want it." Tetra took a deep breath. "But I think we should take things a little slowly. See if it's going to work out."

Link nodded. "You're right, Tetra. No sense in rushing anything." They both stood there for a minute or two. Link spoke first. "Enough of that." Then he grabbed her and kissed her tightly. "I love you, Tetra."

She laughed and twisted away. "You have no patience, Link! None whatsoever!" Tetra prodded her finger into his stomach. "You're impetuous, and reckless, and impatient and…" She fell back against him and rested her head on his chest. "And that's what I love about you." Then she looked back up at him and whispered quietly, "…Link, I've missed being with you. Why don't we go find a place to…get reacquainted?"

Link flushed slightly. "_I_ don't have patience?" He laughed.

Tetra leaned up and kissed him again. "_And_ you're a prude. That's a good combination you've got there, dear." She pulled him up and tugged him on. "Come on, we'll go get dinner together, at least."

Gonzo poked his head out of a nearby rain barrel. "Excellent…" Then he grabbed at one of the letters and looked at it.

_Dear Miss Tetra,_

_I know you and Link have been very upset with each other lately. But I also know that the two of you really love each other. It's not fair to either of you for something like this to get in the way of your relationship._

_It's also not fair to the rest of us. You know, in a way, our crew is like a family. And when two family members are fighting, it hurts everyone else. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but the reason the rest of the pirates are in hospital is because they were trying to get the two of you back together. We all want what's best for the two of you, Miss Tetra. I just think the best way for this to be resolved is if the two of you were given a chance just to talk, after you've calmed down from the initial fight._

_I've given another letter to Link. I'd really appreciate it if the two of you would meet each other on the bridge by the windmill, without fighting, just to talk. We all would. Thank you, Miss Tetra._

_Gonzo_

The pirate smiled a little and folded the letter up, then placed it in his pocket. Gonzo nodded. "I knew it would work." Of course, he had had a back-up plan, just in case. He glanced around once or twice, to make sure no one else was watching. Then he picked up a large metal box and pressed down on a red button. And kept pressing it. The pirate frowned and tapped the barrel. _Just as well it worked, the back-up plan appears to be a bust. Unless this is the wrong barrel…_ But that wasn't possible. Where could the barrel have gone?

* * *

Mister Wilbert ran screaming out of his cellar. "It's alive! It's alive! NOOOOOO!"

His sister looked up. "What's alive, Oscar?" She asked, curiously.

Mister Wilbert shook his head. "Nothing, Gertrude." He took off screaming again.

Then a giant whirring barrel, with lots of sharp knives spinning from the sides, burst out of the cellar and gave chase.

* * *

Nudge took a contented breath of sea-air. He could hear Senza working in the kitchen, Zuko mumbling in the crow's nest, and Mako eating a loaf of bread. "Everything's back to normal…" He said, happily. Then he looked over to Gonzo. "Hey, Gonzo! Catch!" Niko went flying through the air, to be caught in Gonzo's hand.

"…yes, everything's back to normal. Cursed, cursed normalcy." Niko muttered under his breath. "I'll get you! I'll get you all! You fools will regret the day you messed with Niko!"

"Hey. What did we tell you, Niko?"

"The football does not get to talk…" Niko sighed and went quiet.

In the main bedroom, Tetra and Link sat cuddled up together in front of the large map. "Where to next, Captain?" Link asked, resting his head on her shoulder.

"Oh, wherever the wind will take us." Tetra mumbled, her eyes half-closed.

Link stared blankly into space. "Yes. Where to next, Captain?"

Tetra yawned and slid down to rest against his chest. "I think the wind should be taking us to the south-east, Link. Don't you? The beaches, the swimming…" She waited a moment for him to say 'the bikini girls'. And kept waiting. "…Link, are you okay?" She looked up and started.

A carrier pigeon had crashed into her boyfriend's head.

_**The End?**_

_That's the finale of Pirate's Problem, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to thank all the readers who stuck with me and refrained from severe injury. Over the next few weeks I'll be putting up a couple of what I like to call 'DVD Extras'. These extras include the coveted 'Tingle's Solution' chapter. _

_Furthermore, if you'll turn to Disc 2, a preview of the sequel to Pirate's Problem, which has the working title of "Desperado's Dilemma" will be available just above the floating key. If you select the left moblin while the right moblin is dancing the Macarena. Remember to feed your author with reviews! Remember, we here at Slywolf Productions are hard at work bringing you the best in entertainment, quality, and… _

_Bzzt 401 Error...  
_

"Yeah, that can stop now." Link said, stabbing his sword through the projector and then proceeding to turn the highly expensive piece of equipment into several cubes of metal.


End file.
